Camping and the Hornet


During summer, I went camping in Germany with a group of friends. Personally, I hate camping with a burning passion. No luxury, you’re highly dependent on the weather and worst of all, the toilets are half a mile away. However, my friends weren’t as enlightened as me, so we went camping despite my initial protests. This turned out to be a nearly fatal experience.

During one particular night, we had been drinking for a while, telling stories about high school and other memories. I had already ignored my body’s signals for a while, because I didn’t want to walk all the way to void my bladder. Eventually one of my friends had to go as well and we decided to head out together. It was dark and neither of us had a flash option on our phone, so we used the bleak light of the screen to light the way. Once we arrived both of us got a stall and a minute later I left the stall feeling quite content, when all of a sudden I felt a sharp jolt of pain in my inner thigh. “Damn, what the heck was that?!” I immediately pull down my jeans to see what happened, this yielded no results and my buddy was giving me a weird look. “I don’t know what happened,” I told him, “but I felt a jolt of pain in my thigh.” While I was fastening my belt, I felt the same pain once more. “Again? What’s going on inside my pants?” I pulled my pants down again and asked my friend if he saw anything out of the ordinary. Neither of us saw anything and with a shrug, I pulled up my trousers once more. Before I got a chance to fasten my belt, I felt the sting again! Immediately pulling down my jeans, determined to find what was happening, I started a thorough investigation. All of a sudden, we hear a buzzing sound. A hornet came flying out my jeans looking quite angry. “What the fuck is this big ass wasp?!” was my first thought. Then instinct kicked in and I took off my jeans completely, while back out of the toilets. Stumbling away, my buddy asks me if I am not going to kill it. “Wait, he is right. I’m not going to flee from a wasp, no matter how big.” Armed with my trousers I bravely walk back into the toilets. The hornet was checking itself out in the mirror and I took this moment of weakness to launch my assault. One vicious strike later, my new archenemy was flat out on the floor. Immediately, my friend and I start making our way back to the tent. Struggling to see the path, while I felt the pain grow stronger every step, we ran through the darkness. “Why me? I was the one opposed to camping and now this. What did I do to deserve this? How did it even get in my pants?!” When we reached the tent, I called for first aid. Luckily we did bring a kit with us and a few moments later, I was frantically vacuum pumping the swollen area, trying to suck out the poison. By now the area was glowing red with three little white dots, indicating the stings and the pain was becoming unbearable. At this point I had gone through my entire vocabulary of curses, damning the hornet to eternal suffering. It looked like this was going to be a rough week.

A friend of mine called his dead, who gave us a golden trick. Crush some aspirins, add some water and apply the stuff on the stings. We did just that, and after a night of pain I woke up in the morning, feeling nothing whatsoever. This taught me an important lesson: Don’t go camping ever again.

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